Tuesday, December 24, 2013

The Ickenham System

[For those of you so sheltered as to be unformed regarding The Ickenham System, what follows is a fairly complete description of its method for the wooing of sweethearts by shy suitors - prescribed, naturally, by Frederick Altamont Cornwallis Twistleton, Fifth Earl of good old Ickenham, and known to his many admirers as Uncle Fred.]

          "It seems that he was a witness of the proceedings, and he speaks highly of your technique. You strode up and grabbed her by the wrist, eh?"
          "Yes."
          "Waggled her about a bit?"
          "Yes."
          "Then clasped her to your bosom and showered kisses on her upturned face?"
          "Yes."
          "With the results that might have been anticipated. I told you the Ickenham system never fails. Brought up against it, the proudest beauty wilts and signs on the dotted line."

(from Uncle Dynamite, by Sir Pelham Wodehouse)

[We should point out two salient features of the above-related conversation. As you can see, the second party to the conversation, Bill Oakshott, is a man of few words (in this instance, only one word, that being "Yes"), though now, finally, a man of direct and forceful action. Second, there is one step in the Ickenham System which Uncle Fred omitted in this conversation, and that to ardently exclaim "My mate!" at some point in the proceedings.]

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